I always ask this. I guess I never know what is enough. Will I be happy if I'm pretty and model-like as well as a super genius scientist pop star actor writer singer political activist all around mary sue? I don't think so. I don't know. I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger. I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. But that was when things were more straight forward. My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My friend and family say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it a try, but I really hate myself I say I want to change but I secretly just want to be able to do all of it. How can what I feel be such a disorder? How can I call it that? If it's such a part of me how can I be striving to destroy it? It feels so right to let it take control, intoxicating really. It feels like I just pulled out the stopper and all these feelings of loss and sadness escape out of that sucking wound threatening to crumple my chest inward take over and it hurts, and that letting it be true means I'm just wasting my life and it's all I could do to avoid it , avoid knowing it, then I know for sure that 4 fucking years in secondary are gone and useless.